I had a little melt down a few days ago. It was brought about the husband’s comment about how I looked like in a sweater I wanted to wear.
The cherry blossoms on base bloomed over the weekend and we were planning on taking more family photos. I wanted a striped sweater I have and a pair of leggings but I was having second thoughts because I didn’t feel comfortable in it. I asked the husband if I looked fat in it and to my surprised he answered, “well, you are fat so it really doesn’t matter. I love you still but you are chubby.” Upon hearing his answer I lost it. A simple yes would have sufficed but he had to go in great detail. Like a teenager told that she couldn’t go out with her friends, I buried my self in bed and started to cry. It wasn’t the cute crying kind. It was the full on tears everywhere kind. I know it was such a little thing but it got me. Everyone has been pointing out my weight. Just last week my dad messaged me after seeing photos on Facebook to go on a diet. I am aware of the amount of weight I’ve gained. It just really didn’t bother me before because the husband never made too much of a deal about it. Obviously, things changed and it hurts.
It was such a low blow. I didn’t want to get dressed or leave the house anymore. I just wanted to stay in bed and cry. The husband kept apologizing about what he said and insisted that it was intended to be a joke. I’m still sad about it. Sad to the point that even until now I don’t feel like eating anything right away. Well, I’m sad enough that I wait for my stomach to tell me that I’m hungry to eat anything. I know it’s not healthy but every time I think about what happened it just makes me lose all my appetite.
The husband keeps telling me his sorry about it and he didn’t mean what he said but just last night he made a comment again about if I wanted to change something about myself I should be consistent. It didn’t make me feel better, if not only worse cause it made me thing about the whole thing over again.
I wanna lose weight, I must lose weight but it’s just so hard. I don’t have time to go to the gym because there’s no one to take care of the baby. I can go with the baby but I’ll only be able to run on the treadmill cause baby will only be allowed within the play area. The husband keeps offering to take care of the baby when I want to go to the gym but how can I when he sleeps all through out his days off. I have to nag him to get out of bed and do something with me.
Losing weight is doable. A lot of people have done it, the only difference is that other people are motivated. I’m still dwelling over what the husband said, I want to lose weight and just shove all my fatness up his face but I keep thinking about the baby. I just don’t want to leave him to do things just yet.
I really need to pull myself together. I’m already trying the eating less and healthy thing so Imma see how that works out before I actually need to commit to working out.